


group chat for announcements (and only that!! no tomfoolery!)

by TheSubtextMachine



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: (lotws of bis), Everyone Is Gay, Group Chat Fic, M/M, Multi, heck yeahhhhhhhh, written in a burst of manic inspiration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2020-07-20 03:17:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19985206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSubtextMachine/pseuds/TheSubtextMachine
Summary: after the events of the series finale, everyone has some news to share. Cyrus' new groupchat is made for that, and it quickly spirals out of control.





	1. Chapter 1

[Chat created with Cyrus Gayman, Tuff Buff, Andiman, Jonah Hercules Beck, DJ Fruity, Party Marty, and AmBURN]

AmBURN: hey why are we in this chat

Cyrus Gayman: Me and Tj have an announcement………….

Tuff Buff: Oh?

DJ Fruity: Y,,,eah 

Andiman: Why didn’t you tell us we were all in the same house last night  
Andiman: I know because it was my house

Jonah Hercules Beck: Wait am I allowed to guess what the news is

Cyrus Gayman: no

Jonah Hercules Beck: pls?

DJ Fruity: let underdog have his moment, bro

Jonah Hercules Beck: Don’t Call Me Bro If YOu’re Gonna Stand In MY Way

Tuff Buff: that was so weirdly threatening

Jonah Hercules Beck: Good

Andiman: LET CYRUS TELL THE NEWS

Cyrus Gayman: THANK YOU ANDI  
Cyrus Gayman: So……. not to be gay on main or anything

Tuff Buff: strong words for someone with “gay” in their username

Cyrus Gayman: BUT me and Tj are kinda dating?

DJ Fruity: Kinda? 

Cyrus Gayman: okay we’re definitely dating. We might be in love but it’s nbd

Tuff Buff: me and marty are also dating now

Party Marty: yeah I can confirm

DJ Fruity: the str8s are trying to steal our thunder…. Homophobic

Andiman: I’m so happy for you two! Also Buffy and Marty! 

Jonah Hercules Beck: Ditto to what Andi said! Gay rights!!!!!! 

AmBURN: jonah said gay rights  
AmBURN: but seriously I’m so happy for you two! I care a lot about both of you and I’m glad that you’re finding happiness in each other

Cyrus Gayman: amber i’d die for you

AmBURN: you will

Andiman: Also I’m moving schools, for those in the chat who didn’t know

AmBURN: am i the only one that didn’t have a crazy night last night? 

Jonah Hercules Beck: Nah I’m in the same boat

DJ Fruity: I broke up with my gf, confessed some major things to my crush, then acquired a bf? All in the span of an hour? Pretty crazy night now that i think about it  
DJ Fruity: tbh it felt kinda normal while it was happening? Not boring noraml but not like,,, so crazy

Cyrus Gayman: I’m very glad that you weren’t bored

DJ Fruity: With you? Never

AmBURN: disgustang

Cyrus Gayman: Homophobic Amber??? Confirmed :(

AmBURN: i’m literally a lesbian but go off i guess

Andiman: oh fuck since when

Jonah Hercules Beck: WAIT THAT WASN”T A JOKE???

Tuff Buff: I should’ve figured out earlier

AmBURN: I don’t know which one to unpack first

DJ Fruity: did y’all seriously not know? Her phone wallpaper is the lesbian flag???

Cyrus Gayman: amber if ur trying to figure out which one to unpack first I vote Jonah’s bc I’m already laughing at his answer

AmBURN: jonah did you???? Think I was joking???? When I came out?????

Jonah Hercules Beck: well in retrospect I was wrong to think that

AmBURN: jonah wtf

Jonah Hercules Beck: IDK IT COULDVE BEEN TRUTH OR DARE DON”T @ ME

AmBURN: I WOULD NEVER  
AmBURN: at least not without adding “this is a dare” after

Jonah Hercules Beck: HINDSIGHT IS 20/20!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Andiman: can you answer my question now??

AmBURN: I came out two weeks after me and Jonah broke up for the last time, so you can do the math

Andiman: WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME

DJ Fruity: calm down the all caps is giving me a headache

Andiman: okay I’ll calm down I’m just a bit shaken from this development

AmBURN: I thought Jonah would’ve told you when I came out to him, and I got sick of the emotional coming outs so quickly… so didn’t tell you bc I thought you knew

DJ Fruity: fuck I’m gonna have to come out to mom

AmBURN: godspeed bro  
AmBURN: she was chill with me though, I think she’ll be cool wiht yours

Tuff Buff: ????

Andiman: y’all sound like siblings lol

DJ Fruity: we are

Andiman: WHAT???

Cyrus Gayman: no more capslock!!!! No more headaches!!!1!!! Stop terrorizing my boyfriend

DJ Fruity: fuck that just gave me butterflies

Cyrus Gayman: <3

Andiman: okay this is a lot of news at once… amber’s a lesbian AND tj’s sister? 

AmBURN: YEp. I am both of those things.

Andiman: wow 

AmBURN: should I put those things in my insta bio? To calm the confusion?

Party Marty: Yes, it will significantly raise your clout in our family

Andiman: YOU TOO?????

Tuff Buff: Wow I actually knew about this whole thing,, I feel accomplished. I was on the ground floor of the Kippen Siblings. 

Party Marty: congrats babe

Jonah Hercules Beck: if we’re spilling secrets I have one

Cyrus Gayman: I don’t think andi can handle it she’s so spooked already

Andiman: Shut up I can handle Jonah’s announcement

Jonah Hercules Beck: I’m gonna be getting a dog this weekend

Andiman: ok that’s news I can handle

Jonah Hercules Beck: also I’m bi, teehee

Andiman: WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME

Cyrus Gayman: stop the capslock!!!

DJ Fruity: please….

Cyrus Gayman: Listen to his plea. Look at his adorable face. Repent.

Andiman: I’m stressed alright, please give me some leeway

DJ Fruity: That doesn’t sound like repenting :(

Andiman: I swear to fucking god I’m going to leave this chat

AmBURN: no stay… I need your calming energy to heal me…..

Tuff Buff: what does that even mean

Cyrus Gayman: why did I make this chat,, I’m regret

Jonah Hercules Beck: ooh ur cute when filled with regret ;)

DJ Fruity: BACK OFF THATS MY BOFRIEND

Andiman: hypocrite

DJ Fruity: homophobe

Cyrus Gayman: what’s even going on anymore

Jonah Hercules Beck: TJ dw I’m not flirting this is just how I interact with people

Andiman: I can confirm

AmBURN: i dated him he’s right

Party Marty: JOnah’s exes unite to agree that the boi is a flirt

Jonah Hercules Beck: ;)

DJ Fruity: yeah….. Flirting with DANGER >:(

Tuff Buff: terrifying display of strength. How are you going to handle this show of alpha male strength, Jonah?

Jonah Hercules Beck: with a wink  
Jonah Hercules Beck: ;)

Party Marty: I mean… it’s on brand

DJ Fruity: u right u right….. I’ll back down for now

Cyrus Gayman: good… I hate conflict 

DJ Fruity: I could tell  
DJ Fruity: you asked me out by just… hinting really hard

Cyrus Gayman: it worked

DJ Fruity: I mean…,, yeah

AmBURN: gay disaster energy. I love it

Cyrus Gayman: this chat is just gay disasters and then some confused straights

AmBURN: that’s how I like it………

Andiman: what the fuck does that even mean

AmBURN: ;)

[Cyrus Gaymannamed the chat “;)”]


	2. Chapter 2

Cyrus Gayman: so tj and I went on our first date….

DJ Fruity: it went horribly :(

Cyrus Gayman: babe i thought we agreed we weren’t going to do that joke?? I thought we were gonna do the proposal prank

AmBURN: Proposal prank?

DJ Fruity: FUCK

Tuff Buff: were you gonna tell us that TJ proposed???

DJ Fruity: no  
DJ Fruity: we were gonna say that Cyrus proposed

Jonah Hercules Beck: Why tho??

Cyrus Gayman: I got the idea because during the date I thought TJ was about to propose and when he assured me that he wasn’t going to I thought,,, wow we should prank our friends

Andiman: you thought TJ was going to propose??

DJ Fruity: to be fair I did get down on one knee

Cyrus Gayman: it was to give me a chivalrous kiss but it definitely spooked me in the card section of Target

Party Marty: I have so many questions

Tuff Buff: I think that’s the tag line to their entire relationship

Jonah Hercules Beck: I think it’s sweet they went on their first date to a Target

DJ Fruity: it was my idea!!!

AmBURN: Jonah are you really going to support this behavior? This low class? 

Jonah Hercules Beck: Our first date was at an Olive Garden, why are you talking about low class to me when everybody knows that olive garden is a breakup restaurant

Andiman: what?

AmBURN: Did I know that? Yes. Was I in the mood for some breadsticks? Also yes. 

Andiman: okay okay i need yall to back up since when was Olive Garden a breakup restaurant

Party Marty: ???since forever this is just a fact of life

Tuff Buff: I think it’s just a Kippen thing that they force onto the people they date

Party Marty: You’re literally dating a KIppen sibling

Tuff Buff: I know, and that’s how I know that Olive Garden is a restaurant for breakups

Andiman: I’m so confused

AmBURN: it’s just science, Andi. If you want to break up with someone, go to Olive Garden. Have stilted conversation, like everone does at Olive Garden, and then when your ride home is outside, breakup with them and then take the to go box home

Jonah Hercules Beck: and they have italian comfort food to cry over after the fact

Cyrus Gayman: my mom told me about her and dad’s divorce at an olive garden

Tuff Buff: I bet they got the divorce at OLive garden

DJ Fruity: fellas what does it mean if your mom takes you to Olive garden???

Party Marty: Sorry bro :( she broke up with being your mom :/ you’ve been disowned

DJ Fruity: this is what gay struggle looks like

Cyrus Gayman: I’m the definition of gay struggle, don’t take my brand

AmBURN: since when, cy??

Cyrus Gayman: I came out to someone at my grandma’s shiva. That’s struggle squared.

Tuff Buff: weird flex but okay

Andiman: Why are we doing the struggle olympics??? When we all know that I win

Party Marty: what makes you think you hold that honor?

Andiman: I’m a pan woman of color who thought her mom was his sister until she was 13. What have you done?

Cyrus Gayman: for everyone’s sake let’s just say that Andi wins  
Cyrus Gayman: also ur pan???

Andiman: I’ve literally had the flag in my room since I was 12

Tuff Buff: yeah but you bought it because you liked the colors, I was there

Andiman: I’ve had the flag in my room since i was twelve and I realized I was pan when I was 13 don’t roast me

DJ Fruity: We all roast each other it’s our dynamic

Tuff Buff: since when did DJ Fruity decide what our dynamic was

AmBURN: hey don;t call him that

Tuff Buff: it’s his username??

DJ Fruity: amber this isn’t a good fight for you to pick

AmBURN: :(

DJ Fruity: part of my rap process if reclaiming the mean things people have called me, like DJ fruity

Jonah Hercules Beck: wait that’s why it’s your rap name??? BEcause someone called you fruity???

DJ Fruity: because they called DJ Fruity, to be exact

Andiman: Who??

DJ Fruity: an ex friend who was mean to me  
DJ Fruity: his names for me made for some sick ass song titles tho

Tuff Buff: if you don’t tell them to me I’ll literally die

Party Marty: wait are these the songs you played for me last week?

DJ Fruity: yeah Mart, I just completed a couple. I’ll tell you guys the name as long as you keep it in confidence, this is some vulnerable stuff for me

Jonah Hercules Beck: I’ll keep this secret with my life

DJ Fruity: okay…. The song titles are “stupid idiot boy”, “lizard face”, “god’s mistake”, and “Hottie more like nottie”

AmBURN: who is he I’ll kill him

Andiman: that’s the oddest mix????? Like some are legitimately awful but others are just odd

Cyrus Gayman: Amber I’ll dm u his number because Teej would never

DJ Fruity: ur right cyrus I’d never tell Amber, so you aren’t allowed to

AmBURN: cy u don’t have to I picked up on some context clues and figured it out on my own, u don’t have to breach his trust

DJ Fruity: kinda sucked that you were about to, though

Cyrus Gayman: when you said I wasn’t allowed to I stopped

DJ Fruity: but you knew I didn’t want you to

AmBURN: dw guys I already exacted revenge on him months ago for harassing my friend

Cyrus Gayman: TJ i would like to talk about this but before that,,,, amber what the heck did you do

AmBURN: nothing too bad

Party Marty: wait is this the kid where you disassembled his scooter

AmBURN: nah that was someone else

Tuff Buff: wait amber u were the kid from washington high that took the pieces of the scooter and made it spell out asshole???

AmBURN: yeah that was me

Andiman: so if that wasn’t him what did you do to the guy who was mean to tj?

AmBURN: it was nothing i just sorta? Exposed him to his gf and everyone he knew, it was a social media thing

Party Marty: oh shit that was you???

Tuff Buff: you terrify me

Jonah Hercules Beck: wait until you’ve dated her, then you’ll know terror

AmBURN: :(

Jonah Hercules Beck: YOU TOOK ME TO OLIVE GARDEN ON THE FIRST DATE YOU DON”T GET SAD FACE PRIVILEGE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow im tired and wrote the whole thing at midnight, pray 4 me


	3. Chapter 3

Jonah Hercules Beck: I feel like I could really be the next Matty B Raps if I applied myself

Party Marty: you’re so right

Tuff Buff: Babe don’t encourage him… i don’t like the sound of it

Andiman: Buffy is just jealous of ur flow

DJ Fruity: Wait Jonah why are you coming for my brand like this???

Cyrus Gayman: Matty B Raps is not ur brand and the fact that you would say that about my boyfriend is appalling

Jonah Hercules Beck: Yeah DJ Fruity is more edgy. TJ raps about his experience with internalized sexism I want to rap about my favorite veggies

Party Marty: You know what? I respect Jonah more than I respect anyone on this goddamn earth and I hope you all know that

AmBURN: has the earth really gotten that downhill  
AmBURN: that a Matty B Raps wannabe is somehow the most demanding of respect in this group chat

Andiman: Especially with a Chad like Buffy in your presence

Party Marty: Buffy’s my gf that doesn’t count

Tuff Buff: hm? Did someone not drink his respect women juice this morning :(?

Party Marty: NO

Andiman: Wow this is so sad Buffy’s boyfriend doesn’t respect women he only respects Jonah

Jonah Hercules Beck: Yeah.. and since I”M not women… I guess u don’t respect women…

Party Marty: I RESPECT WOMEN!

Cyrus Gayman: u just respect Jonah more? Okay…

Party Marty: I respect rappers AND women. They aren’t mutually exclusive.

Andiman: Do women rappers get double respect

Party Marty: uhhh i’m not sure I haven’t met a lady rapper

AmBURN: Should I add my ex to the chat? She had a soundcloud lol

DJ Fruity: no don’t she’s a better rapper than me

Tuff Buff: Is there a story here?

Cyrus Gayman: wait teej is this the one who roasted u in a rap battle at the dinner table

DJ Fruity: NO DONT BRING THAT UP

Andiman: O H ? !

DJ Fruity: it’s too late. 

Tuff Buff: I love this so much. Who is this woman? Can I set her up with Andi? Can Andi date a hot rapper?

AmBURN: Her name’s Karen is that a deal breaker

Party Marty: Wait Karen Cutler? She likes girls?

AmBURN: Marty. Her rap name. Is Sappy Sapphic. Yes, she likes girls.

Party Marty: broooooooooooooo

Tuff Buff: Marty did u know her rap name??

Party Marty: yeah but i didn’t know it was a gay thing!!

Andiman: that’s so iconic of you  
Andiman: AlSo what is this about setting me up?? With a rapper?

DJ Fruity: I feel like Karen Cutler could definitely bring a hardcore edginess to ur art kid thing

Cyrus Gayman: Yes!! Andi now that we know you like girls the options of people I can matchmake you with has increased greatly because I know so many good wlw, while the dudes aren’t as cool

Jonah Hercules Beck: bro

Cyrus Gayman: Jonah…. Im not gonna set u up with Andi. And I’m also not gonna set MArty up with Andi.

DJ Fruity: why not me :’(

Cyrus Gayman: there are more reasons than there are grains of sand on a beach

AmBURN: Andi do u want Karen’s @?

Andiman: can we just acknowledge how weird this is????

Tuff Buff: What do you mean?

Andiman: Jonah Beck’s Ex-Girlfriend is trying to set me up with another girl. That she dated. That’s so weird. Like dm me Karen’s @ but also what has my life become???

Party Marty: It has become cool and gay and glamorous

Jonah Hercules Beck: That’s gonna be the name of my gay gossip girl reboot. “Cool and Gay and Glamorous”

AmBURN: 10/10 would watch

Jonah Hercules Beck: I’ll base all the characters on things you’ve said

Tuff Buff: can you please base one on “no lactose intolerant people can talk to me, that’s disgusting that you don’t have those enzymes and I will not surround myself with that”

DJ Fruity: oh yes and “podcasts are just books without the clout”

Cyrus Gayman: can I nominate “I’m gay, not made of money” as a response of me asking for a dollar to get something from the vending machine

Party Marty: God this show is gonna be so good

AmBURN: sorry for being iconic I guess

Andiman: ok yall so I texted Karen?

Cyrus Gayman: “yall”?

Andiman: that is not the important part of the text I sent

Jonah Hercules Beck: wow… ur going from the arms of one rapper (me) to another? Smh

Tuff Buff: Jonah are u sure ur a rapper yet? I feel like you need to prove yourself a bit more. I think I need you to bust a rhyme right here and now.

Party Marty: yes!! Please drop some bars about ur favorite veggies

Jonah Hercules Beck: uh okay give me a second

Cyrus Gayman: This is the man who made me realize i was gay. I think about that ever damn day.

Jonah Hercules Beck: so I walk to the grocery store to get my asparagus  
Jonah Hercules Beck: cuz when I don’t i get that animus 

Party Marty: BARS

DJ Fruity: B A R S

Tuff Buff: eminem is QUAKING

Cyrus Gayman: bro. Homie. That shit slapped.

AmBURN: please do another

Jonah Hercules Beck: ok ok let me get in the zone again

DJ Fruity: As a rapper I can confirm that there is, indeed, a Zone™ 

Cyrus Gayman: Do I have a type?

Jonah Hercules Beck: Catch me with cauliflower in both hands  
Jonah Hercules Beck: working on my future college plans  
Jonah Hercules Beck: as I climb into my benz

Tuff Buff: OOh that one had a twist I like it

Party Marty: I’m shaking I feel like I’m witnessing the birth of the next Sir Mix a Lot

Jonah Hercules Beck: thank you I get a lot of my inspiration from him

AmBURN: This is so many layers of surreal for me.

Cyrus Gayman: I’m in the same boat

DJ Fruity: hey, game respects game. And jonah? I respect you.

Tuff Buff: You know what this is? Solidarity. 

Andiman: hey y’all so uhh sorry I missed that but uhhh

DJ Fruity: tea?

Andiman: I have a date on saturday????


	4. Chapter 4

Tuff Buff: I cannot stop thinking about how Marty didn’t know that a rapper named Sappy Sapphic likes girls  
Tuff Buff: I cannot emphasize enough how much stress this causes me every day  
Tuff Buff: I look in the mirror and think “you’re dating a boy who didn’t know that the word sapphic was a ‘gay thing’” and I feel such a deep shame

Party Marty: Why am I being persecuted for my stupidity

Andiman: don’t make me send you the dictionary definition of ‘consequences’ again

AmBURN: You’ve had to do that?

Cyrus Gayman: wait I’m not the only one who’s gotten that “consequences” screenshot???

DJ Fruity: Literally how could that happen Cyrus is the least stupid person I know

AmBURN: Well, he is dating you, sooooo

DJ Fruity: :( living up to your username?

AmBURN: I gotta keep up my rep somehow  
AmBURN: but I need to know what Cy did to warrant the dictionary definition of consequences

Andiman: W E L L let’s get into it

Cyrus Gayman: In retrospect stating that I believed all humans had the same amount of blood in their body was a mistake

Marty Party: what

Cyrus Gayman: I was under the misconception that no matter the size of a person, liter by liter, they would all have the same amount of blood in their body  
Cyrus Gayman: this was not the case

AmBURN: wait a MINUTE

DJ Fruity: I’ve never been more in love with you than I am in this moment

Party Marty: WHAT ABOUT BABIES

Cyrus Gayman: I don’t like this conversation

Tuff Buff: We had the same question. You know what his answer was??  
Tuff Buff: “that’s why the babies are puffier bc they have less bones and more blood!! Why do you think their cheeks are like spheres on their face? That’s blood!!!”

AmBURN: that’s horrifying I love it

Cyrus Gayman: Why are you doing this to me

Andiman: consequence (ˈkɒnsɪkwəns) noun  
1\. a result or effect of some previous occurrence  
2\. an unpleasant result (esp in the phrase take the consequences)  
3\. (Logic) significance or importance: it's of no consequence; a man of consequence.  
4\. (Logic) logic  
a. a conclusion reached by reasoning  
b. the conclusion of an argument  
c. the relations between the conclusion and the premises of a valid argument  
5\. the relation between an effect and its cause  
6\. in consequence as a result

Tuff Buff: I love boys but y’all are stupid

DJ Fruity: sorry buffy I’m gay

Tuff Buff: what??? I had NO IDEA!!!

AmBURN: wasn;t that the original purpose of this chat?

Cyrus Gayman: Yes! You all took my pure intentions of sharing my happiness in my new relationship and now you’re using it to cyberbully me

Party Marty: You know what this is? Growth

Andiman: Wow the beginning of this chat is a #flashback

AmBURN: the chat was started two weeks ago,,, also why use a hashtag in a text convo it doesn’t link to anything

Andiman: well since I’m going on a date with a rapper I felt like I had to be hip

Tuff Buff: HOLD UP

Party Marty: oooooooooh does Andi have a date?? With a certain Sappy Sapphic?

Andiman: Yeah,, whoever gave her my instagram will get either all the thanks or all the blame depending on how it goes

Jonah Hercules Beck: okay just checked my phone and I have a lot to say  
Jonah Hercules Beck: Number one- congrats Andi!!! I hope it goes well. Number two- are y’all sure that Cyrus was wrong? And number three- my pro tip to you andi is to not take her to Olive garden

AmBURN: are you still upset about that

Jonah Hercules Beck: …….no

AmBURN: Yeah i’m not gonna try to unpack that  
AmBURN: but i think we SHOULD talk about your number two

Cyrus Gayman: Jonah please don’t jump down the “all humans have the same amouint of blood” rabbit hole

Jonah Hercules Beck: I mean when you think about it…. Babies do seem pretty puffy….

DJ Fruity: y’all i wanna hear about Andi’s date not how many liters of blood babies can carry

Party Marty: TJ don’t ruin my screenshots by being reasonable I want this blackmail on Jonah

Jonah Hercules Beck: IM JUST SAYING hearts pump out the same amount of blood and like how could the volume of that change over time? It’s not like your heart grows in size so the blood output wouldn’t either

Andiman: jonah are you really saying that hearts dont grow

Jonah Hercules Beck: that’s a Dr. Seuss thing  
Jonah Hercules Beck: Do y’all thing green eggs and ham are real too or???

Cyrus Gayman: please stop

DJ Fruity: so Andi where are you taking Karen on your first date

Andiman: we’re going rollerskating, now TJ shut up I wanna hear Jonah keep talking

Jonah Hercules Beck: I think everyone is just being narrow minded. Realistically, your blood output wouldn’t change, your body is always at such a delicate state that there wouldn’t be a point where you could just have more than beofre, and all humans have the same equilibrium, that sounds right to me  
Jonah Hercules Beck: The universal human equilibrium temp is 97.5. Because that’s STANDARDIZED

Tuff Buff: wow homeboy is getting intense

Jonah Hercules Beck: I haven’t thought about it before today but reasonably I think that it checks, if body temp is the same, why can;t mass of blood also be?

Andiman: Jonah, look up “do all human shave the same amount of blood in their bodies” for me and if they actually do, I’ll give you real life money

Jonah Hercules Beck: BET 

Tuff Buff: ok Jonah you’ve had a minute what’s the verdict??

Jonah Hercules Beck: …  
Jonah Hercules Beck: I feel like I should apologize.


	5. Chapter 5

Tuff Buff: andi andi andi andi andi andi andi

Andiman: Yes?

Tuff Buff: How was the date

AmBURN: TELL US WE NEED TO KNOW

DJ Fruity: Y’all don’t know how the date went? Smh fake friends

Andiman: TJ i didn’t tell you anything

Cyrus Gayman: He follows Karen’s Soundcloud account that’s how he knows

DJ Fruity: and both of her finstas

AmBURN: She has two? How did I not know

Cyrus Gayman: exes usually have limited access to finstas

AmBURN: but we only dated for a week I feel like that doesn’t disqualify me from second finsta status

Jonah Hercules Beck: Why would people have two finstas? That just seems excessive

DJ Fruity: The usual insta account split (with 2 finstas) is one for public, one for memes and light stuff, one for vent

Party Marty: nobody tell jonah how many finstas I have

Jonah Hercules Beck: How Many?!?!

Party Marty: i don’t want to tell you now

Tuff Buff: I follow all of them, right?

Party Marty: nobody in my life follows all of them  
Party Marty: no even me

Jonah Hercules Beck: Bro is that even possible

Party Marty: idk Jonah, is it?

Andiman: the date went pretty well i think

DJ Fruity: Karen gives five star reviews

Tuff Buff: I’m just imagining that she gives every date she goes on yelp reviews and how perfect is that for someone named karen

Party Marty: Buffy what’s your yelp review of our relationship

Tuff Buff: 4 and a half stars  
Tuff Buff: always room for improvement

Party Marty: that’s out of five right

Andiman: does yelp do it out of five or out of ten  
Andiman: Also what did Karen say I need to know  
Andiman: bc if I could have a cute rapper gf that would be so iconic

DJ Fruity: If she writes some bars about you I’ll combust. That would be fire

Cyrus Gayman: I’ve had her soundcloud on my computer all day and I keep refreshing it for that very reason

Andiman: honestly me too

Tuff Buff: asking a girl about her feelings < waiting for her to write something about you and put it on soundcloud

AmBURN: Y’all gays are so odd

Andiman: amber you’re literally a lesbian

DJ Fruity: What’s odd about it tho. If cyrus had a soundcloud you KNOW i’d be all over it

Cyrus Gayman: I wish TJ wrote more songs about me while I was pining after him, it would’ve for sure enhanced the experience he only referenced me in like,, 3

DJ Fruity: ……..not to expose myself but it was way more than three

Cyrus Gayman: Well I know u wrote “Muffin Puffin” about me and mentioned me twice in “best bros anthem”

AmBURN: no one was going to tell Cyrus about “Swing That Way”, huh? Show you what kind of world we live in

Cyrus Gayman: YOU WROTE THAT ABOUT ME

DJ Fruity: It’s literally about the swings

Cyrus Gayman: I thought it was about kira and you hanging at the swings

Andiman: I need to hear this song

Party Marty: Cyrus I cannot imagine a song that was more obviously written about you

AmBURN: “and I can’t help but wonderin if I might swing that way” why would TJ write that about a girl

Party Marty: “handsome brown eyes and imagination like woah, I’m tired of pining, of taking it slow”

Tuff Buff: “kinda bad at sports but a pro at stealing my heart”??? Kira was literally on the basketball team wtf Cyrus

Jonah Hercules Beck: yeah that sounds kinda sus

Cyrus Gayman: in retrospect, that song was probably about me

Andiman: PROBABLY?

Tuff Buff: Sweetheart, that was gay as fuck

AmBURN: it could not have been more homosexual

DJ Fruity: I can confirm I wrote it about Cyrus. 

Jonah Hercules Beck: Petition to hear TJ’s Genius-style lyric breakdown

Andiman: Signed

Tuff Buff: Signed

Party Marty: Signed with pitch for addendum. Cyrus is sitting beside him the whole time.

Cyrus Gayman: were there any other songs about me?

DJ Fruity: Yeah, I can make you a playlist, I’ll put little notes for moments that might need explanation

Cyrus Gayman: Dating rappers is so fun

Andiman: what’s your yelp review

Cyrus Gayman: 11 stars

Tuff Buff: out of ten? 

Cyrus Gayman: Out of five

AmBURN: smh gays can’t do math huh

Party Marty: Tell that to Albert Einstein

Andiman: wait was albert einstein gay

Party Marty: idk

DJ Fruity: ???

Party Marty: If einstein wasn’t gay I feel like he would at least support the ability of gay people to do math. I bet he tutored them

Tuff Buff: Babe?? U good?

Jonah Hercules Beck: What if Einstein ran an all gay tutoring center 

AmBURN: Why would he even do that

Party Marty: to be an ally

Andiman: are you really an ally if you don’t run an all gay tutoring center like albert einstein did? I think not

Cyrus Gayman: wait so was einstein gay?? Because if so that would be an epic win for us

DJ Fruity: Who would win, gay albert einstein or aggressive ally albert einstein?

Tuff Buff: ok so I just googled it and apparently Einstein was not only straight, he was also a massive Chad

Jonah Hercules Beck: That’s an epic win for the Chad community

AmBURN: It’s not a community if it’s just you and Albert Einstein

Party Marty: Are you implying that Jonah Beck is a Chad????

AmBURN: Yeah? 

Andiman: Out of all the people in this chat that could be Chads you pick Jonah? Are you sure about that?????

Tuff Buff: I’m rigt fucking here. If anything the Chad community is just me and Albert Einstein. 

Andiman: Amber I think you could also be considered a Chad

Cyrus Gayman: What about TJ? Gay rapper who plays basketball? Sounds like a chad to me

DJ Fruity: I also have a hot boyfriend which is a Chad bonus

Tuff Buff: Chadness cannot be quantified, fool

Party Marty: what the fuck do you think e=mc^2 is then?

Andiman: the c is chad omg this makes so much more sense

Cyrus Gayman: the e stands for energy, what does m stand for

Jonah Hercules Beck: “make it happen”ness?

Tuff Buff: IN WHAT WORLD is that something a chad would say

AmBURN: Chads don’t tear down other chads :(  
AmBURN: It’s not what einstein would’ve wanted


	6. Chapter 6

Cyrus Gayman: y’all ever meet someone who’s just the human embodiment of the phrase “pop quiz”

Andiman: Ummm I’m not sure

Tuff Buff: I love pop quizzes

DJ Fruity: okay @cyrus yeah, @buffy pls stop this I don’t like feeling stupid

Party Marty: My gf is so smart omg

Tuff Buff: I like the challenge

Jonah Hercules Beck: I’m so scared of you sometimes

Andiman: so Cyrus what is a human equivalent of the phrase pop quiz I’m so curious

Cyrus Gayman: uhh depends have you met Fiona Banks

DJ Fruity: oh shit you met Fiona

AmBURN: what did she do  
AmBURN: what did sHe DO

Andiman: I have not met Fiona and I’m so so so worried

Jonah Hercules Beck: omg F i o n a

Tuff Buff: How do all of you know her  
Tuff Buff: I haven’t met her yet but we follow each other on ig

AmBURN: She’s the queen of the theatre department at Richeson

Andiman: isn’t that y’all’s rival school??

Cyrus Gayman: Yes.

DJ Fruity: yeah she’s kinda famous in both schools, I’ve run into her a few times

Cyrus Gayman: yeah she’s intense  
Cyrus Gayman: she asked what my GPA was

AmBURN: That’s her power play thing, she doesn’t actually care

DJ Fruity: are you friends with her???

Tuff Buff: okay she sounds kinda fun tho

Party Marty: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

DJ Fruity: Eh depends on your energy, she’s really intense tho

Party Marty: ummm

AmBURN: Yeah i honestly think u and her would get along, buffy

Party Marty: okay so there might be an issue

Tuff Buff: yeah babe?

DJ Fruity: you call him babe? Gross

Cyrus Gayman: You call me babe sometimes

DJ Fruity: yeah but when I do it it’s cute

Party Marty: Not to be a downer but Fiona is my ex and the less I hear about her the better  
Party Marty: Because the breakup was really messy and like

AmBURN: oh tea?

Party Marty: no tea, just a bad breakup

Tuff Buff: so I guess I uhhh wouldn’t get along with her

DJ Fruity: marty has a type

Cyrus Gayman: Buffy would never ask people’s GPAs how dare you

Party Marty: why are we literally still talking about this  
Party Marty: why can’t you guys talk about your current romantic lives  
Party Marty: Like?? When was the last time Cyrus and TJ went on a date lets talk about that

DJ Fruity: last night

Cyrus Gayman: we went to an Ikea and imagined living in a house together

Andiman: that’s so gay and soft I should do that with Karen

AmBURN: sounds cute

Cyrus Gayman: Thank you, I guess?  
Cyrus Gayman: Also sorry about bringing it up again but Fiona just invited me to a party and idk what to say

Party Marty: say no I guess

AmBURN: her parties rock thoooo

DJ Fruity: would I be invited too? Last time I was at a Fiona party I had a really good time

Party Marty: I will leave this fucking chat

Andiman: Woah marty how bad was this breakup???

Party Marty: Bad. 

DJ Fruity: I’m sorry if I hit a sore spot my dude

Party Marty: Literally the sorest possible spot but go off I guess

Tuff Buff: Leave him alone you guys

AmBURN: ok can I talk about ikea because hearing about it made me want a gf so bad  
AmBURN: what is it about furniture that makes me want a girlfriend???

Party Marty: yes, please talk about Amber and getting girlfriends

Jonah Hercules Beck: Not to sound like a nerd but I think you see it and it makes you think about committment and you like the sound of it  
Jonah Hercules Beck: And if furniture is symbolic of that for you then of course you’ll be like,, wow looking at that counch makes me want to be in love

Andiman: counch

AmBURN: ahh yes, yummy counch

Cyrus Gayman: c o u n ch

Jonah Hercules Beck: i try to do some serious psychoanalysis and all y’all just want to bully me. Finding any reason to do it huh. That really shows what kind of pEopLe yoU ArE

Tuff Buff: Im a good person so I don’t make fun of people for their spelling mistakes. Repent, children.

Andiman: Buffy…. My prophet….. I should repent….

Cyrus Gayman: when she puts the het in Prophet

Tuff Buff: Even gay people can repent Cyrus

Jonah Hercules Beck: Oooh repenting that sounds cute… that sounds nice and trendy

AmBURN: the Summer’s hot new TREND?!? Repenting <3

Jonah Hercules Beck: The energy I want to bring into this upcoming summer

Andiman: but the summer is so far away

Tuff Buff: that’s not the energy we want to bring into this summer Andi

AmBURN: what we want in our summer-repentance. What we don’t want-talking about how far away summer is.

Jonah Hercules Beck: What else are we bringing to this summer babes?

AmBURN: A r s o n

Cyrus Gayman: Lots of posit note action fellas

DJ Fruity: a Macklemore album on max volume

Andiman: getting that coin babey

Jonah Hercules Beck: I love every single thing about these answers

Cyrus Gayman: okay TJ, babe, you and I should organize with postit notes while playing Macklemore

DJ Fruity: What would we organize

Tuff Buff: probably ur wedding

AmBURN: TJ you can’t get married before I do!!! We agreed on that!!!

DJ Fruity: for the millionth time THAT DOESNT COUNT I WAS FIVE

AmBURN: PROMISES ARE STILL PROMISES

DJ Fruity: okay squad pls vote. Should I hold to a promise I made when I was five?

Andiman: YES

Jonah Hercules Beck: no???

AmBURN: Can I vote

DJ Fruity: absolutely not

Cyrus Gayman: TJ should make his own decisions 5 year old TJ was dumb

Tuff Buff: YES. PRomises b promises

Party Marty: Buffy said yes so I’ll say yes

DJ Fruity: FUCK

AmBURN: Sorry TJ and cy y’all can’t get married until I get all wifed up 

Andiman: okay who’s going to get Amber a gf so the marriage can happen

AmBURN: Teej and Cy are like? 14 they aren’t gonna get married

Cyrus Gayman: ;)

AmBURN: You guys are CHILDREN

DJ Fruity: Well if a five year old can make a pact that you hold him to then this 14 year old is gonna get married  
DJ Fruity: You dug this grave now lie in it

AmBURN: They are not the same

Tuff Buff: idk amber I think you gotta own up to this ideology you espoused here

AmBURN: You voted to agree with me tho

Tuff Buff: yeah, I did, I’m a true believer  
Tuff Buff: And you need to practice what you preach and allow your brother to get married

AmBURN: not until after my marriage

DJ Fruity: Hope you’re ready to get married real soon

AmBURN: I wont 

DJ Fruity: Step one, we need to get Amber a girlfriend and them get them to get married

Cyrus Gayman: Go team!!

AmbBURN: watch me be terrified that if I get a gf it’s all part of some scheme for TJ and Cyrus to get married. I won’t trust any date now

Jonah Hercules Beck: I have anxiety so I already don’t trust any date I go on

Andiman: oof

**Author's Note:**

> lol catch me on tumblr @thesubtextmachine if u want, i do tak rrequests ;)


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